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I guess its kind of amazing that God pretty much answered my prayers that I'd find someone who understands me, who is patient towards my feelings and decisions. Everyday is a new day he finds new ways to amaze me, his words, small acts of kindness and how he makes things feel perfect. Im in class just sitting through probably what I call the most boring, longest, and irritating 50 minutes of the day, then it changes when I take my mind off of the subject and I think of the one person who keeps me sane. Mom, if your reading this, then I'm most deff paying attention don't worry, he just makes the days go by better. But again, I'm different - why me? I'm not exactly girl material, no experience in makeup, not coordinated, and shows no manners. I guess he accepted me for .. me. But most importantly, he's a boy of respect, he has respect for my decisions.
So, who is this boy? What makes him standout and someone to be talked about almost every minute of the day? Well, not to mention he's one of the most genuine and kindest guys you'll come around - he's also very open and talkative. I like the fact I have nothing to hide, I'm not calling him my vent doll, but I feel like he'd accept anything I say. He's funny, always cracking jokes at the right times of course, and it's like "thats what she said" is said as much as I say the word "hi". It kills me I can't see him everyday, but it's life and I live up to the next days I get to spend with him because he makes life quite pleasant. I love everything he does for me, its like I dont even have to say it - its just .. done. Read my mind, (: Shall I just say his name already. Noah aka John, Ikaika, "Faggs", "Fafa", is described as indescribable. I say that because theres so much to say about him. He's smart, he might not think that - but Noah remember grades don't reflect your intelligence. Your one of the most creative and commited people I know of you can do anything because you try. Your making this relationship work perfectly and so can your work. You make really good decisions thats why you have a good reputation and you have a future. Never give up on yourself, or anyone just like I'll never give up on you - because the minute you stop wanting to try hard is the minute you'll start thinking lower of your expectations. And I know your capable of being the "Noah" you want to be. Hells, I'm not quoting anything mom's would say and no im not your mother either. You just give lots of people hope and faith, and your an affable friend to everyone around you, Also, don't let the negative things people say try to bring you down because its true you are different from everyone - but in the best way possible. Who wants to be the same as someone else, originality won't have a meaning if everyone wants to be like Miley Cyrus or Megan Fox (hey I just like her, i dont wanna be like her), they have talent - but so do you. And I like all the things you can do, sing, play the uke, make me happy, be an amazing friend, ability to keep people smiling, etc. All this stuff comes from my heart, and its the very things I wish you would understand and hear because its all true. You grant lots of love and hope to everyone everyday, your family should be proud to have raised someone like you. Your sisters gunna look up to you in the future because shes such a sweetie and cutie right now, but she'll always thank you for setting up a great example for her to live up to.
But in Conclusion;
Your my perfect two, and my world
<3
- Music:Happily Ever After - HE IS WE
This is the second time i've broken down in a week, I dont know whats wrong with me. Now I couldn't careless of my tomorrow, before I had faith, I was commited to being good in school. I break down for stupid reasons, my relationships are going bad - I wish I could fix it. Its like ripping a piece of paper, you can possible fix it by glue, tape but it'll never look the way it was before. My life is turning like that, I try to fix it - try to put a happy side to it. It never seems to become the way I liked it before. I try to not think of boys as the reason why I let my life fall apart, my grades are what you look at when someone doesn't try, my relationships between people is like we forgot each other for twenty years, some the fights never end. I have so many problems in my life, nobody will ever understand that and everyone has their own problems to deal with. Why couldn't you just make me an Angel Of God instead of someone that makes mistakes to help others fix theirs. Why am I the one who guides my sisters life on what she should be doing and not. Why can I have a talent or something I can take on to do on my own. Why does my life have to go down, why am I supposedly lucky but I feel unhappy.
Im not going to go back in my life and fix the problems I made one by one it'll take forever because every mistake I make adds up, I make mistakes by the minute - hour - day - year. Its too much to count.
I get jealous easy, I probably nag for attention too much, and its so hard on me, I don't know what to do. In some ways I try to be the best I can to people but they don't appreciate it and I lose my temper. I hate falling for guys because it distracts me to thinking on what really makes me happy in life. Why use guys, material items, money to buy happiness, when all I need is You. Why does one person affect me when theres more than a billion people in this world. Why does one matter to me so much, why do people make me want to put my life on the line. Why are you letting me do this, If I ever did wouldn't I get sent to hell.
Why won't you just help and understand I've gone through much, take this girl up already she doesn't need more. I live and learn everyday - but the one thing is understanding. Understanding why life isn't fair, understanding what to take in and give back or what to even do.
I dont understand why girls have so much to deal with, not necessarily girls but it happens to boys too
People are natural at getting good grades without trying, they can eat whatever they want without gaining weight, they can do things by talent
Why dont I have a talent, I seriously wanna find out what you have made me to become. People say I have a big mouth of talking, but it doesn't help if I dont understand the facts.
Im so confused in life, I couldn't careless if I died tomorrow because nobody would notice either. Like I said one person, Im one person out of 2 billion, Im one person that could never change someone.
Im one person who will one day die, but Your just not letting me.
I can't ever take advantage of my life, its always going to be controlled, just take me already. Im not strong like others, but I deff know theres times where things have just passed the line.
This year was the hardest year, and I want it over already.
God please hear me out, hear me out of the billions you have to help each day. Help me find my future, give me clues, give me reasons to still have faith.
Im not all the religious person ever but I still know he exists and he knows I need him
I never act like im going to be such a faithful person my mouth is full of trash.
Dear God,
Where am I today, Im so lost. Everyday seems to just become worse I dont know why I make such stupid decisions - because I wanna be cool or im pressured. Im sorry I never learned to do this often and You weren't the first person I was supposed to go to, I know my friends are loyal and I have unconditional love for every single one of them but they can only help me so much because their going through so much as well.
Im scared, I dont know where my life will go Im completely messing everything up as much as my mind gets cluttered everyday. I try to make the best I can but its never good enough - you cant satisfy everyone. I know I shouldn't try to satisfy anyone but You, but I still have those mixed feelings everyone needs to be happy.
I miss being a child where my nights weren't full of yelling but when my mom acted like she cared, when I was an only child when my sister didn't have to be the better one.
Im sorry I've done so many bad things in my life I haven't done enough good deeds, I take the easy way out so many times its like the worse sin anyone could bypass because I know whats right for me.
Every time I break down it makes me cry because its like I look to you as my last resort when your my first, its like you know my pain but you can only look down and sigh that I came to you before. I missed all my signs and chances of being a faithful person, I realize Im pretty much the problem to all of my family issues.
Sometimes I wish I could just end it, end my life end everything thats gone bad it scares me cause everyday I feel the need to just give up more. Its like I know I have something wrong with me but I dont wanna let it go, I dont wanna be the girl who sounds just like everyone else because everyone has problems they have to learn to adjust and adapt to it. Im not strong like everyone is, Im weak.
I feel like eveyrthings wrong with me, God my life is so messed up I dont know what to do. My friends can't keep handling with my crap they cant keep adjusting to my mood changes, I dump everything on everyone and Im So sorry.
I wanna fix my life, I wanna stop feeling like I can't do anything right, I wanna find my gift you gave me because I can't seem to find it no matter how much I try, it breaks my heart because I wanna be able to use it.
I dont know what Im even good at, I wanna live for something, not nothing.
I have all these dreams like Im just gunna end up on the streets because Im not trying hard enough or Im not a worthy person to even deserve any of these luxaries.
Please stop these tears, please just have my next dream the help of what I can do.
Your the only one that can help me now because you know everything.
I always thought life would be as happy as I wanted it to be.
Everyones going through so much worse why cant I help myself, some people dont even have both parents like I do, some people depend on themselves to take care of themselves.
I have that but I feel like I have to do it on my own.
I remember when I was 9 Id always say Id never want those crazy piercings, or want to drink and go to shows or be a crazy girl. Six years changed everything God, why me.
Im scared just nobody will get me or my problems I dont know how my friends accept me or learn to, some just have that unconditional love I could ask for.
I hope you read this God, or I know already you have.
So again I ask you
Why do you want every human to live a full life if you know their going to struggle so much, why would we be sent to hell if we just give up. Show me a brightside please,
Amen.
Why do I feel so broken up inside
the feeling of the pain just cant divide
the only reason I cant get over you
is cause my heart still remembers everything that you do
I just wish I could run away from here
and go to my happy dream inside
I wish I couldnt shed another tear
and have nothing to hide
this isnt my way to run life
I never felt so broken up inside
nothing will change what I feel
or make this misery heal
you make me feel alone
you act like everything is the same
you think that things will never change
since you left me from the start
you meant to break us apart
it wasnt my intention to feel this way
now I cant have a decent day
it wasnt the truth that hurt me
its just I really cared
I thought u were the one for me
that would always be there
Why do I feel so broken up inside
the feeling of the pain just cant divide
the only reason I cant get over you
is cause my heart still remembers everything that you do
I just wish I could run away from here
and go to my happy dream inside
I wish I couldnt shed another tear
and have nothing to hide
you act like everything is the same
you think that things will never change
since you left me from the start
you meant to break us apart
it wasnt my intention to feel this way
now I cant have a decent day
it wasnt the truth that hurt me
its just I really cared
I thought u were the one for me
that would always be there
im not true
i might be the worse for you
i make things concise
i tear things up too
but in the end it reminds me of you
we met so quick
you ripped me off
you said you never met a girl so soft
you promised id be someone youd love
you promised to be my only one
maybe that girl you met was good
brown eyes the dreamy sensation so hood
so now im here to say this true
im sorry i wasnt the one for you
im sorry that my feelings were so profound
im sorry that i was so hurt but didnt make a sound
im sorry that i wasn't good enough for you
im sorry that you'll have to remember me too
im sorry that i cant wipe away what we made
im sorry that those memories wont fade
and every morning when i wake up and see
why is it about you and me
when will i learn from my mistakes
when will i learn to be a better person to take
Im sorry God I tried so hard
I reached up so high to the farthest star
and If i could recall it wasn't shiny to see
how much this boy really meant to me.
Maybe you heard this before, crayons relate to friendship. One crayon doesnt make a box, yet one crayon makes the box incomplete. My friends are amazing. If i ever lost a friend my box of life wouldn't be complete. Each friend is different in every way, they conclude a new color. You can be a red one a purple one or any color of the box. My box of colors never end, each person has a place sitting in my heart. Everytime I make a new friend my box just expands, I won't let anyone be the last crayon in my box. Maybe I might have been upset or maybe I've been fooled, but never a time will my box be empty. Even if one is left missing, I won't replace it with a new crayon, my life will just be somewhat missing. Tina my bbygirl completes almost the entire box, she means every color to me, shes so unique, shes the person you can count on for everything. Sam is like the the bold and amazing girl who cares about people who looks for what she succeeds and she always thinks of ways to make herself happy and others. Tiff the energetic the one that can be the first person to say a word to you that means something, that makes you smile, someone who wouldn't think of herself first. James the best friend that makes you laugh and if you stumble, he has the hand to pick you up from where you fell. Mel the happy and true girl, she always believes in something, she believes in me - shes inspiration. Everyone is amazing in their own way, but my crayons or my true friends, are the ones I can count on to pick me up if I fell, to be the sunshine if I am the rain. To be the clearing up clouds if I'm the thunder. Their the ones that I can call to be my friend anytime, and their the ones who would stay up all night to save my life. When I am caught up upset in my room I realize the reason I can't get off my own computer is because their the ones I can seek help, the ones I can truly open up too, and if I ever lost them - then my whole crayon box will collapse.
- Mood:
relieved - Music:Anytime You Need A Friend
its gunna take us very far
im your smile on your face
its never going to wash away
promise me one thing
if i keep smiling
when you walk away
think of that smile as me
then no matter where i go..
ill know.
your thinking of me.
(:
true memories, stupid lies, i dont define love, its always broken in the end.
- Mood:
moody - Music:Almost Lover - Fine Frenzy
In all things, there is a meaning. In all things, there are conflicts. If changes could be made, I would choose perfection in the world. People suffering poverty that try to survive by pilfering food from other people. People who mourn for their lost ones who haven't tried to smile. People who loose their strength and drop down in fear of loosing their selves. I wish people could depict how happy their lives are, to come home to a happy evening. To be able to extricate their feelings to others without the fear of rejection of their thoughts. That race in the world wouldn't be an issue and each generation grows stronger in each other everyday. That people endeavor to try their hardest, to derive what others have taught us, and knowing what would hurt others by thinking before they act instead of cursory actions. That people will get up and forget about the past instead of recurring careless mistakes that were modified in the past. That people wouldn't be recluse or reticent and would speak up. That everyone in this world recognizes they have a voice, and would use it. That every word of anyone of any age or race would be profound in everyone and will take action. That people will speak up if they feel a dissension between their conversations. That people will forgive each other instead of letting their past elapse and hold a grudge. That everyone is audible. That everyone would forget how intricate their lives are and would cheer others up for a change. That our laws will enhance better lives for our futures. That the ones who say demeaning words will become mute. That the people who are suffering excruciating pain will keep building strength and faith in themselves. That gruesome memories won't stop other people from trying harder in life. That suicide wouldn't be the decision for people to make because of depression. That people would reach out their helping hand to save their life. That people will be conscientious about their actions to know how much power one persons words could change a life. That rebuking others will cause them to correct themselves instead of demeaning their self esteem. That this world will become a serene place and slovenly sins will be forgotten and forgiven. That a persons life style wouldn't daunt them to change it because their truly happy with what they have. That one day war will be demolished and peace will be made. That negligible actions won't be made into a scene. That inane actions will be corrected into acts of wisdom. That the adept ones will teach others to be just as wise as them. That love would replace hate. That people will take in that love is patient, kind, not jealous nor rude. It does not seek glory, love is not found in evil or joy. That people will help those who have fitful emotions, who seek revenge on others, or people who commit unseemly actions. That the ones who have changed their lives will divert their past and help others emulate their actions. That the one who acts as a leader will help others exemplify true faith and love. That people realize what is true is from the heart not in material. That the ones who keep trying to hurt others will forfeit their actions and will learn to act in peace and compassion.
